HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
thank god the sign was there
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.