They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!