The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help