I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)