I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire