Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My teenage children choosing violence
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza