bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
dutch is not a serious language
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
More like Kate Missington.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I hope Alan is OK
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult