Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.