INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
decorating my apartment
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
calling in to work dehydrated
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars