The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Had an epiphany today.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.