Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.