homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.