Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Print is alive and well!!!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.