God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
No laws when master is gone
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
🍛
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.