farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.