I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You Might Also Like
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
🤣
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I have no passwords left in me
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down