Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone