Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you