I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.