Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”