I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”