no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.