How is it still this week?
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Whoa 😂
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say