The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I’m calling the cops.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless