[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!