2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Sending in my taxes
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.