Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
my retirement plan is braless
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.