FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
That’s not how days work.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*updates tinder bio*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning