“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Labreador
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.