Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people