My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.