Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
had to share :’)
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Rooting for the overdog
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.