*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.