When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?