May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Schrödinger’s cookie
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.