Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
You Might Also Like
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m already scared
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’