Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row