Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job