[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.