Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
That’s what I call a flat tire
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.