I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.