starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”