I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Your honor these allegations are
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
This is amazing.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)