murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*checks Timeline*…
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Only a mother’s love …
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.