A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
You Might Also Like
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
This kid is going places
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.