Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on