Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Expect the unexporcupine.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.