Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”