{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.