I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.